Jealousy

A few months ago I was sitting in a favorite coffee shop, working on Biblestudy, when a beautiful woman walked in. I could only see her back, but she was perfectly proportioned and impeccably dressed. I envied her; that is, until she turned around: I saw that she didn't have a very pretty face, and I felt relief. She wasn't perfect! Then shame flooded me. Deep, deep shame. How could I, who claim to follow the Lord of loving-kindness and overflowing graciousness, find pleasure in another's imperfection? Why was my response to her not love? Why didn't I rejoice in how the Lord had created her? How dare I set myself above her based on facial features? And what a silly thing to even compare! That day the Lord began to show me how deeply jealousy had rooted itself in my heart, and began the painful, beautiful process of weeding it out. This is what I learned in the process.

I never considered myself a jealous or envious person before that day, because I don't covet others' possessions. But these two emotions are so much deeper than that. As I began to look at these words more closely, two things struck me. First, part of envy is "discontent with regard to another's reputation." I often resent when people I love speak well of others, especially when a girl I've invested a lot in relationally and spiritually speaks well of someone else who has strongly impacted her. I let that thought creep in: "Well, what about me? Didn't I mean anything to you?" Second, jealousy is "usually accompanied by petty complaining or fault finding." So often I find faults in others: in how they handle situations, in how the relate to people, in decisions they make with their time or money or talents.

Jerry Bridges' definition of jealousy, from Respectable Sins, has helped me process this: "We tend to envy those with whom we most closely identify, [and] we tend to envy them in the areas we value most. . . . These attitudes are the result of ungodly selfishness, of thinking only of ourselves." This definition is encouraging because I am not alone in my jealousy. My sin is not unique to me, so there is a way out! Second, it helps me identify a root cause of jealousy: selfishness. I've learned quite a bit about this particular sin lately, so I'll talk about it later, but for now, it's just nice to be able to name it.  I grow jealous because I love myself better than others.

As I began to study jealousy and envy in the Word, I was surprised at the vehemence and time spent cautioning against them. Their synonyms and partners are neither pretty nor flattering. There are a few that are particularly convicting:
1. arrogance and selfish ambition (2 Cor. 12:20, Galatians 5:19-20, James 3:14-16): I think these are main causes of (my) jealousy -- I want to be the best and want everyone else to think so, to.
2. hating one another (Ezekiel 5:11, Galatians 5:19-20, Titus 3:3): Unchecked jealousy can lead to hatred of the person I envy.
3. fits of rage and outbursts of anger (Ezekiel 5:11, 2 Cor. 12:20): I see these when I don't get what I think I deserve -- I am jealous for my rights, and this fills me with enough self-righteousness to feel like I can act however I want to get what I think I deserve.
4. slander, gossip, and dissension (Romans 13:13, 2 Cor. 12:20, Gal. 5:19-21): I feel better about myself when I find faults in others, but speaking about anyone with any other motivation than to love and build up is slander and gossip, and these cause dissension.

John the Baptist's example is helpful to me when I think about combating jealousy. As Jesus began to gain more and more followers, John's disciples were upset. "They came to John and said, 'Rabbi, that man who was with you on the other side of the Jordan - the one you testified about - well, he is baptizing, and everyone is going to Him.' To this, John replied, 'A man can receive only what is given him from Heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, "I am not the Christ but am sent ahead of him." The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less'" (John 3:26-30). John knew his place and was content with it, and so did not envy Jesus's success. Rather, he was full of joy at that success. And that is how I must look at the people around me.

So How Do I Escape?
1. I must understand the seriousness of jealousy and its side effects. Proverbs 27:4 says, "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?" Essentially, jealousy is worse than an overwhelming, furious anger. And its side effects--slander, fits of rage, dissension, selfish ambition, and hatred--are ugly and scary. I want to avoid them altogether, but if I allow jealousy in, these will follow.
2. Therefore, I cannot tolerate jealousy in my life, I must rid myself of it.
3. To do this, I must take responsibility for my jealousy: first, calling it for what it is when I see it, and then repenting of this sin.
4. I recognize that to be successful in this, I won't be able to do it independently; I must allow the Holy Spirit full control of my mind and emotions. This means turning to Him as soon as I feel those thoughts and feelings of jealousy creep in, and rest in His peace. (Romans 8:6)
5. I must accept and embrace the role the Lord has assigned and called me to. Psalm 16 and 1 Cor. 7:17 help when I struggle with this.
6. In this role I mustn't be ambitious for self promotion, but rather live quietly and mind my own business (1 Thess. 4:11) and seek the good of those around me.
7. I mustn't look around and compare, but rather must say, "What is that to me? I will look to and follow Jesus." (John 21:22)
8. Part of this is not worrying about what I look like. (Luke 12:22)
9. I must focus on the fact that His love is better than life. (Psalm 63:3)
10. Finallly, I choose to not only love those I could envy, but also to rejoice in their triumphs, and even when I hear their voices.

The Lord in His great mercy spoke to me and said, "You are my beloved. Do not look around and compare, for I love them, too. You are right where I want you to be, as are they. Look to me and love me. And because you love me, love them. Celebrate them. Find joy in them." And so I will.

Introduction

This past year, I have ravenously worked through Cynthia Heald's "Becoming a Woman of..." series. These books explore such topics as excellence, love, grace, faith, and so on. Each one speaks to me. But they are such lovely virtues, and my heart often struggles with such ugly vices. I need an "Unbecoming" series: topics that are unbecoming, and a guide that shows me how to 'unbecome' them.

Recently, the Lord has brought up these unbecoming issues in almost every area of my life: making them more obvious in my own behavior, illustrating them in talks and books, and illuminating Scripture that speaks to them. These topics - jealousy, judgement, rage, selfishness, resentment, and so on - are worth looking at, and I want to remember what I've found. And so I'll keep the record here. I hope that you, good reader, will find encouragement in my struggles, and find ways to avoid my mistakes. Enjoy. :-)